A New Member

From the time I was born, my mother used to tell me how there was this family who absolutely loved her. They visited and interacted with her regularly, and though they could not comprehend her language, the affection they showered on her was something she could never forget. But after she was forced to leave her home due to societal pressures, she lost all contact with them. Being a single mother had its share of trouble, but she carried on bravely despite having to struggle to make ends meet. It was only after she found her health completely failing her that she decided I needed a permanent home. And she knew just the right persons who would take care of me - she told me how to get to the family. As I bore a striking resemblance to her, she said they would immediately accept me. And with this assurance, I set off.

Following my tremendous sense of direction, my nimble feet reached the family's home at the far end of the city. I was quite anxious - what if they fail to recognize me? But despite all my apprehensions, my childishness suggested I make a dramatic entry. Perching myself on top of a tin roof in the adjacent abandoned house, I started crying for help. I did this all morning, and just as I was beginning to lose hope, a portly man came out of the house along with a youngster. Ah, my efforts had finally paid off! Looking over the wall, the boy reminisced how I looked just like my mother. They asked me if I would like to come home, and nodding vigorously, how I wished I could inform my mother that I was in safe hands now!

Slowly but surely, I began to get acquainted with my new home. Every day, I would roam about the house nonchalantly, inspecting every nook and corner, hoping to discover something exciting. When that tired me, I would sleep wherever I liked - on the bed, the chair, or even on the floor! Though initially they were quite amused by this attitude of mine, I can tell they have grown used to it by now.

All the family members enjoy spending time with me - whether it’s running round the house, playing or just lazing around. Though they have given me complete freedom (I indulge in my non-veg fantasies only behind their backs, but I’m sure they are aware of it!) the family is extremely protective about me. Dad heads the search operations whenever I am slightly off schedule from my evening sojourns. Being the youngest in the family has its advantages, and I am only too happy to bask in their attention.

It's been over a year at their home, and I can easily claim to have become the apple of the family's eye. Though occasionally one of them comes up with the absurd suggestion that I have grown spoilt, I immediately snuggle up to him/her to settle it in my favour! I always want to thank them for accepting someone from such a different background with such an open heart. I want to tell dad to stop fussing over me so much, mom that I love the way you call me, the younger brother to give me more of those massages, the elder brother to catch up with my agility, grandmom that I love those ball-games we play, and a big sorry to granddad for jumping over his bed so often. Ah, there's such a lot that I want to convey to them, but all I can manage to say is "Meow"!

Mobile Operators and Customer Care

Just as I was whistling the latest item song and now-anointed national anthem, mom’s voice boomed over the speakerphone. “What’s the bright idea of having ““My name is Sheila, Sheila ki Jawani” as your HelloTune?” “Yeah, nice tune... What??? When did this happen?” Dad replied, completely bewildered, and afraid that mom would get into a karela and ghiya routine. “Get it off ASAP” was mom’s command. “Sure, thank heavens no one else has called since morning. But how can the mobile operator do this?” “You must have pressed one of the buttons that you aren’t supposed to when they try and fox you with the automated calls. Get Nikhil to talk to them”, she advised.

And with this, the knight in shining armor for anyone having anything to do with mobile phone customer care, yours truly, was summoned. Not that I am a roaring success, but having a Ph.D. in “How to interact with Mobile Operator Customer Care Executives” makes me the first choice. Combined with facts like nobody in their sane mind would be willing to have it eaten by them, and that I am not preoccupied with anything worthwhile for most part of the day, you have a winner. So here I was, earphones plugged in, TV remote in one hand, a 1000-page book in the other, and a huge bowl of popcorn in front, fully prepared for the long siege that lay ahead.

I love mobile phone operators just like Thakur loved Gabbar. Did you see the various prominent multicolor ads by mobile operators asking you to switch over after the advent of MNP? After they played ad-nauseum (pun intended) on TV, I bet you did. But did you manage to even catch a glimpse of an ad specifying which 5 days are SMS blacked-out? Or the small print campaign announcing increase in mobile browsing charges? You did not? How could you have not? It was printed in illegible font, black and white, tucked into a corner of the paper among the various similarly styled Government tender ads. And you still managed to miss it?! Shame!

After the number had been busy for over 2 hours of persistent line-trying and phone-banging, I get connected. Finally. The real danger – the main IVRS labyrinth – is yet to be dealt with. The equivalently named choices make sure that one false move, and you are taken deeper and deeper into the maze. But thanks to my recently published book “Customer Care IVRS Hurdles and how to handle them”, I am slightly better off. I would suggest this as compulsory reading for all newbies taking the courage to embark on this dangerously mine-filled path.

Yes, you guessed right. I have tossed the book aside and have been writing this piece while patiently listening to the theme song of the beloved service provider. I’ve been kept on indefinite hold till a line is free. If there was ever a contest for reciting the theme song, I would come up trumps, with all intermediate tra-la-las in tow. Forget about having a sore throat, being fed a staple diet of Himesh Reshammiyaa numbers, having been kicked up from sleep at 12 am in the night and the judge being Lata Mangeshkar. I would still win. In fact, I have heard it being looped so many infinite number of times that I once lodged a complaint to change it!

The Customer Care Executive (CCE) comes online after an eon, and after his initial sympathetic nature and profuse apology for keeping me waiting, seems helpful. But from countless experiences, I know it’s a sham. “A HelloTune service has been activated on this number from your end. Please unsubscribe and refund the amount” I request. “How dare you point out our hidden agenda in these schemes, when you pretty well know that being charged such additional amounts wrongly is part of the package?” he wants to retort, but being part of the service industry has its norms. Like talking so sweetly that you will get diabetes just by hearing them. “I will unsubscribe the service sir, but the activation has been done at your end, so we are not at fault. You had been informed by an SMS.” “But I didn’t get it”, I replied irately, only to hear the smooth confident voice saying, “But we had sent it”, as if he had personally come and hand-delivered it to me, taking my signature for confirmation. “Look, I didn’t receive any notice, so please take a complaint.” We iterate about this a couple of times, going round in circles, neither relenting. Then the CCE resorts to the unkindest cut of them all – transferring the call to a senior officer. “Please don’t do that, please please please…” I beg for mercy, only to start hearing the tune again. I hang up in despair. I might as well speak to a stone. I know the torture that lays ahead – another round of explaining the same issue, denials from their side, requests from mine, and no action. I don’t even know if the new guy I’m speaking to is actually a senior or just the same person with a slight voice modulation!

With the number of VAS options teeming, I am sure all of us have been snared by them this way once too often. But if you thought this was a good one, the best trick is their sleight of operations when your phone is switched off. So when I sensed an unprecedented drop in my balance last week, and an SMS announcing “Daily Forecast – You will be able to convince people to see your viewpoint today” the next day, I decided I would have to spend a day with my now familiar phone-friends. Unfortunately for me, the CCE was well-prepared. “I think there has been a faulty deduction from my account…” I venture, only to hear, “Oh, you mean the Astrology Pack. Yes sir, it was activated yesterday at 12 hours, 59 minutes and 36 seconds. Rs.50 was deducted from your account.” she says, breathless, as if having a premonition of my complaint. “Yes, thank you, I know that’s guilty-conscience, but…” “But we did try calling you to confirm it sir. Was your phone switched off by any chance?”. “Aha, my dear lady, finally you see the light of the day. That’s what I have been trying to tell you all this time”, I scream, hyperventilating. “How can I voluntarily activate a pack when my phone was not even on?” But my sarcasm has absolutely no effect. She parrots the fact that they tried calling, coolly asks me to remember to keep my phone switched on at all times, and thanks me profusely for giving her the opportunity to help me. Yes, she claimed she HELPED me! And even their Astrological Prediction was wrong!!!

TV - Irreplaceable

Alone at home, lazing around after a heavy breakfast (no place left for lunch!), I decide to switch on the most amazing invention of the 21st Century, the TV. Affectionately called the "Idiot Box", it is the foremost resort of anyone dying of boredom. And my case was no different. So here I was on my sofa, like a king on his majestic throne, waiting for the channels to appear. I had already set reminders for my favourite shows, and I was in a fix. There was a knock-out tournament scheduled between them, because most of their timings clashed. And guess who had the onerous responsibility of picking the winner?

Yours truly ofcourse :-)

Agog with excitement about whether I would choose News over a Sitcom or Wrestling over a Match in Rolland Garros, I just couldn't digest what my eyes were reading. "No Signal" was the one-line text message being displayed on screen, contrary to the splash of a million colours that I had been looking forward to. I was under the impression that such a horrendous term was reserved only for your mobile phones. Damn these DTH services! First they burn such a big hole in your pocket - "Sir, we have re-allocated the Sports channels into the Sports Gold pack as part of a new scheme. You just have to pay Rs.100 extra per year".

Inspite of such frequent "scheme upgradations", they can't provide an error-free service. At the slightest instance of a gale, the service is blacked-out. After all, the huge Banyan tree on the other side of the road had survived for a whole 20 minutes before being uprooted. But couldn't that god-forsaken dish get a proper signal from the equally stupid satellite? I don't know about you, but inspite of scraping through an entire subject called "Communication Engineering", my knowledge on the topic was status-quo. How some tower on the ground could send signals to some body in the sky (which I could not see!) was way beyond my comprehension. And only recently, my younger brother clarified that SMSs in mobile phones are sent through these towers and not directly. Till then, I was used to turning my phone in the assumed direction of the receiver, or if he/she was close by, used to try and keep the phones as close as possible for quick propagation. I stand by the maxim "Ignorance is Bliss", and those around me have come to terms with that fact.

But at this moment, I was seething in anger, as my plans had been thwarted by this intervention by the weather God. After frantic calls to the DTH service provider, I was aghast to know that the service would resume only after the strong winds subsided. This inspite of my fervent pleas describing my life-and-death situation, and begging my set-top-box personally to detect the signals. But perhaps I wasn't destined to become an Idiot today. Maybe it was my fate. I fixed an appointment with my astrologer for the very next day to find out the solutions. After all, only some major planetary change would have the might to deny me the pleasures of TV viewing.

For the time being, I would have to make so with today's newspaper. And guess what day it was? Friday! I would be getting info about all the latest TV shows, gossips, etc. But would you believe it, that exact supplement was missing! Was this a deliberate ploy by some sinister forces to drive me mad by keeping me away from anything related to the TV? Conspiracy theories flew thick and fast through my already crowded head. The obvious needle of suspicion pointed towards the members of my family. They could have, in connivance with the weather God and the DTH operator, hidden the paper. Unfortnately, none of them was available to be confronted.

With nothing else at hand, I started solving the day's Sudoku. But it was not long that I began to reminisce the wonderful time I had spent in front of my cubical friend. Whether it was the incessant barrage of breaking news or the Saas-Bahu conflicts, I loved them all. I began to wonder what breaking news would be on right now? Perhaps it would read: "Filmstar XYZ gets up from sleep" or "Cricketer ABC gets engaged", etc. I was being devoid of such important bits of information. And maybe the plans hatched by Bahu A against her Saas B had met wit better success than those of Saas C against Bahu D.

Sigh, I was also missing the cricket commentators and their extraordinary insights: "The pitch will play a crucial role" or "India will look for a win here" or "Taking wickets and hitting runs is very important". I was also missing the constant drama of reality shows. But most of all, I was missing my favourite show Teletubbies. All 4 of them were so cute and cuddly that you always

forgave them for coming on screen to do nothing.

As I was lost in my memories, I heard a sound that came as music to my ears, even though it was hardly that. Big Show had decimated Hulk Hogan in the WWE title round, and was letting out a big roar. The TV had come back to life! "What a relief", I exclaimed, "This Sudoku thing was getting on my nerves". Throwing the paper aside, with only 1 number added to the existing

grid in the past half an hour, I rushed back to catch up with all the mindless but lovable things on telly. After all, our wavelengths matched :-)

Vacation Time

It's that time of the year again; the air is fresh with excitement, the mood is enchanting, cute birds chirrup all day, and you wake up at your own sweet will. It's vacation time! After the onslaught of the exams, these 7 days come along as a welcome break.

The running joke among us "Engineers" is that we pick up our books only when we are in the dangerous vicinity of the exams. And believe me, those days are truly an enriching experience. We get to know an incredible amount of things that were hitherto safe in the custody of those untouched books. This is also the period when most cases of eye-infection are reported, as cleaning the thick layer of dust on those huge books is not as easy as it seems. I would advise you to hire someone to periodically dust the books to be on the safer side...

A word of caution to the faint-hearted : Never ever look at the entire syllabus at one go. Such unfounded risks will require you to pay a huge penalty of either suffering a stroke or going soft in the head. You might then be prompted to ask one of your studious friends - "Is this really the book we have to study from? Are you sure we have so much on our hands?", to which he will coolly reply, "Yes, didn't you know? You can also check out the missing portions in the reference books X,Y,Z,etc." and hang up the phone. "Reference Books?", you laugh out loud. "Did you hear that? He just asked me to go through reference books...", you soliloquize, partly in amusement but more so since your heart is sinking reeling under the shock you have just been subjected to.

Recouping from this condition after a couple of hours, you realize you just have half a day to memorize half a 1000 pages. Seems a very simple equation at first, but then you realize that the 2 halves on either side of it are not quite equitable. With no other choice, you sit down with the collosal book.

Almost instantly, your cell phone beeps - an SMS, your saviour. "IPL T20 Mania. Guduvancherry Guns Vs Kilpauk Kings. Dial 121212 from free updates. Subscription Charges Rs.30 per month." You are tempted to wonder how a service that charges Rs.30 call itself free? But thankfully this SMS seems better than the other regular ones. Sample this - "Will you be a Doctor, Engineer or an Architect? Send your name to 1111 to find your career." So does this mean that everyone with a common name ends up in that profession? Who are they kidding?

Brushing those thoughts aside, you go through the message again, and an invisible force within you makes you get up. "How could I forget? Today Guduvancherry plays against Kilpauk in the crucial match. I just can't miss it." But another glance at your books pricks your conscience. "You should be studying", the better side of your soul suggests. And you are faced with Robert Frost's situation, so beautifully described in his poem:

"Two Roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference."

Thankfully, your choice is a no-brainer. Differing with Frost, you barge out of your room to catch up with the LIVE action on TV. After all, a paper can be written again, but the match happens only once right?

Why Get Up?

Ah, the sheer joy of lazing around in bed while the rest of the world is up and running! My classes had concluded yesterday, and I was just savoring the very 1^st day of my study leave. I love these Study Hols, simply because they translate into umpteen time to unwind.

While the gentle breeze caresses me and the warm sunlight breaks through the window slits to fall on my body, Rohan wrecks havoc in the tranquil atmosphere. He derives immense joy and pleasure in his attempts to arouse me from each of my late-morning sojourns. Unable to bear his constant poking and tickling, I finally rise, only to witness a shocker, “What are those piles doing here?” I shriek, pointing to the heaps of garbage on my desk. “Those, my dear Bro, are the remnants of your defenestration drive”, retorts the little pest. He is right. For the past 2 days, I have been busy moving things from my study table, which had begun resembling a mini Mt.Everest. “Fine, I will clear everything this evening”, I manage, only to hear, “That’s what you’ve said yesterday and the day before that, right?” “Rohan, don’t act smart, or I will…” comes my empty threat. “Oh ho, what will you do, hit me eh? Come on, try…” he teases, poking me again.

Though I want to bash him, I never do, because he’s still the cute little toy that my parents gifted me when I was 5 years old. And to get his way, he unfailingly resorts to taking advantage of my weakness, tickling. I sense the atmosphere to be hostile, and without any other option, I make a ground-breaking decision. Nikhil Mundra, the President of the Procrastination association, is finally going to beautify his table! I almost dial the Dept. of Posts to issue a stamp commemorating the event!

With a heavy heart and under the close surveillance of taskmaster Rohan, I set about the arduous and seemingly impossible task. And boy, do I do it in style! By the time my American counterparts are getting up, I restructure everything into 5 polythene bags. The table now looks like the neat and clean answer-sheet I had submitted in my last model exam. “There you are, I’ve kept my word”, I announce triumphantly. “But the trash in still here”, he shouts, visibly irritated. “You wanted the table to be spick-and-span, and I’ve done just that. So don’t fret, take a chill-pill and let me enjoy my holidays”, I snap back, switching on the TV set to catch up on the cricketing action. Fuming, Rohan marches out of the room, while I cheer India against Timbuktu. Good times are here again :-)