Just as I was whistling the latest item song and now-anointed national anthem, mom’s voice boomed over the speakerphone. “What’s the bright idea of having ““My name is Sheila, Sheila ki Jawani” as your HelloTune?” “Yeah, nice tune... What??? When did this happen?” Dad replied, completely bewildered, and afraid that mom would get into a karela and ghiya routine. “Get it off ASAP” was mom’s command. “Sure, thank heavens no one else has called since morning. But how can the mobile operator do this?” “You must have pressed one of the buttons that you aren’t supposed to when they try and fox you with the automated calls. Get Nikhil to talk to them”, she advised.
And with this, the knight in shining armor for anyone having anything to do with mobile phone customer care, yours truly, was summoned. Not that I am a roaring success, but having a Ph.D. in “How to interact with Mobile Operator Customer Care Executives” makes me the first choice. Combined with facts like nobody in their sane mind would be willing to have it eaten by them, and that I am not preoccupied with anything worthwhile for most part of the day, you have a winner. So here I was, earphones plugged in, TV remote in one hand, a 1000-page book in the other, and a huge bowl of popcorn in front, fully prepared for the long siege that lay ahead.
I love mobile phone operators just like Thakur loved Gabbar. Did you see the various prominent multicolor ads by mobile operators asking you to switch over after the advent of MNP? After they played ad-nauseum (pun intended) on TV, I bet you did. But did you manage to even catch a glimpse of an ad specifying which 5 days are SMS blacked-out? Or the small print campaign announcing increase in mobile browsing charges? You did not? How could you have not? It was printed in illegible font, black and white, tucked into a corner of the paper among the various similarly styled Government tender ads. And you still managed to miss it?! Shame!
After the number had been busy for over 2 hours of persistent line-trying and phone-banging, I get connected. Finally. The real danger – the main IVRS labyrinth – is yet to be dealt with. The equivalently named choices make sure that one false move, and you are taken deeper and deeper into the maze. But thanks to my recently published book “Customer Care IVRS Hurdles and how to handle them”, I am slightly better off. I would suggest this as compulsory reading for all newbies taking the courage to embark on this dangerously mine-filled path.
Yes, you guessed right. I have tossed the book aside and have been writing this piece while patiently listening to the theme song of the beloved service provider. I’ve been kept on indefinite hold till a line is free. If there was ever a contest for reciting the theme song, I would come up trumps, with all intermediate tra-la-las in tow. Forget about having a sore throat, being fed a staple diet of Himesh Reshammiyaa numbers, having been kicked up from sleep at 12 am in the night and the judge being Lata Mangeshkar. I would still win. In fact, I have heard it being looped so many infinite number of times that I once lodged a complaint to change it!
The Customer Care Executive (CCE) comes online after an eon, and after his initial sympathetic nature and profuse apology for keeping me waiting, seems helpful. But from countless experiences, I know it’s a sham. “A HelloTune service has been activated on this number from your end. Please unsubscribe and refund the amount” I request. “How dare you point out our hidden agenda in these schemes, when you pretty well know that being charged such additional amounts wrongly is part of the package?” he wants to retort, but being part of the service industry has its norms. Like talking so sweetly that you will get diabetes just by hearing them. “I will unsubscribe the service sir, but the activation has been done at your end, so we are not at fault. You had been informed by an SMS.” “But I didn’t get it”, I replied irately, only to hear the smooth confident voice saying, “But we had sent it”, as if he had personally come and hand-delivered it to me, taking my signature for confirmation. “Look, I didn’t receive any notice, so please take a complaint.” We iterate about this a couple of times, going round in circles, neither relenting. Then the CCE resorts to the unkindest cut of them all – transferring the call to a senior officer. “Please don’t do that, please please please…” I beg for mercy, only to start hearing the tune again. I hang up in despair. I might as well speak to a stone. I know the torture that lays ahead – another round of explaining the same issue, denials from their side, requests from mine, and no action. I don’t even know if the new guy I’m speaking to is actually a senior or just the same person with a slight voice modulation!
With the number of VAS options teeming, I am sure all of us have been snared by them this way once too often. But if you thought this was a good one, the best trick is their sleight of operations when your phone is switched off. So when I sensed an unprecedented drop in my balance last week, and an SMS announcing “Daily Forecast – You will be able to convince people to see your viewpoint today” the next day, I decided I would have to spend a day with my now familiar phone-friends. Unfortunately for me, the CCE was well-prepared. “I think there has been a faulty deduction from my account…” I venture, only to hear, “Oh, you mean the Astrology Pack. Yes sir, it was activated yesterday at 12 hours, 59 minutes and 36 seconds. Rs.50 was deducted from your account.” she says, breathless, as if having a premonition of my complaint. “Yes, thank you, I know that’s guilty-conscience, but…” “But we did try calling you to confirm it sir. Was your phone switched off by any chance?”. “Aha, my dear lady, finally you see the light of the day. That’s what I have been trying to tell you all this time”, I scream, hyperventilating. “How can I voluntarily activate a pack when my phone was not even on?” But my sarcasm has absolutely no effect. She parrots the fact that they tried calling, coolly asks me to remember to keep my phone switched on at all times, and thanks me profusely for giving her the opportunity to help me. Yes, she claimed she HELPED me! And even their Astrological Prediction was wrong!!!
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